"What Lips My Lips Have Kissed, And Where, And Why" (Sonnet XLIII) by Edna St. Vincent Millay
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, I have forgotten, and what arms have lain Under my head till morning; but the rain Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh Upon the glass and listen for reply, And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain For unremembered lads that not again Will turn to me at midnight with a cry. Thus in winter stands the lonely tree, Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one, Yet knows its boughs more silent than before: I cannot say what loves have come and gone, I only know that summer sang in me A little while, that in me sings no more.
Today at some point my mom’s dog found and ate most of a small moleskine notebook I was keeping random information in, mostly as a back pocket notebook for appointment dates, desk reminders, tasking info, notes for a little project I’m working on so, all-in-all, it’s not that important. But it got me thinking about what would happen if she managed to get to any of my poetry notebooks, if she could get through the thicker covers (probably). And I started to feel the control leave. And my breath shorten. And the panic. And the sweat. I pictured myself just running up to the solid wood front door and punching the everloving fuck out of it to displace the anger, likely shattering the bones in my hand. Should probably swing lefty.
Will have to keep a closer watch. Or keep nothing outside this room.
You know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get real nice and skinny, get a nice hipster beard going, look super good in a skinny black suit and wait for a super cute boy to hit on me and I'm gonna say "no motherfucker, NO! you get your stupid hipster faggot ass away from me...what? no, I'm not straight, I USED TO BE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT!"
“When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.”—Dylan Thomas, “And Death Shall Have No Dominion”
Yes, because blogging is known to release stress and increase bearditude.
I started taking this drug a month ago, I call it a drug namely because it comes as a pill and does things to my body. You might more accurately call it nanobots with hangovers. The reason I take these nanobots is because of migraines. For those of you who don’t know what a migraine is, have your best friend or mother, someone you trust dearly (maybe even your grandmother (make sure she has on her favorite brooch) roll their car tire up onto your head and park it there for somewhere between 4 hours and 6 days. Then, you will come close to knowing what a migraine is. That will get you into the locker room of the Jedi Temple.
So anyway. Topamax is an anti-seizure drug, and we migraneurs (yes, we actually call ourselves that, because after all, chronic pain is very hip and nothing is more hip than a french word that ends up sounding like manure coming from someone that’s drugged up on percocet) take them because a migraine and a seizure have a lot of similarities in the way neurons fire uncontrollably and vascular function and etc, just trust me I might as well be a doctor at this point. Now, when you consider what I’m about to get into you should realize that I’ve taken this drug before, so I knew what was coming.
Topamax (aka on the street “Dopamax”…see we’re already getting into it) has some major side effects). One of the most positive, but also troubling, is weight loss. It’s great to lose weight, everyone is all “yay, now celebrities will want to have sex with me and stuff” but the downside is that the way the Topabots do this is by tricking your brain into thinking it’s always full. ALWAYS. Food becomes the enemy of your life. You see a delicious looking cheeseburger, might as well be a fat girl wearing a string of fat girls as a thong. In the month that I’ve been on it I’ve lost probably 25lbs. Now, in that month I’ve also shifted my diet because of insulin resistance so some of that is accounted for in that but I will continue to lose weight in month two. (Last time I only made it 6 months before a drug interaction (with Wellbutrin) made me crazy and in that time I lost 50lbs)
It also makes you stupid. Not drooling on the street corner stupid, but you can never think of that thing you want to think of stupid. “Who sang Died in Your Arms Tonight,” you ask? I have no fucking clue because of the Topabots. Normally I would know instantly that it was the Cutting Crew, however, good sir.
Some other pleasant side effects include
Loss of coordination=I’m clumsy as shit.
Decreased motor function=I have a hard time judging how hard to break in the car for example
Numbness in my feet=That’s just goddamn annoying/makes me think that I have something stuck to my foot when I don’t
Muscle weakness=No strength, it’s like I’m 6 or something
Joint pain=which I have anyway so whatever
But for all of this, it works. It at least works better than Depakote, which I’ve been on for a year. 1500mg of Depakote has done nothing for me and they could go much higher on the dose (I checked) but I’d probably start losing more of my hair and it would complicate my almost-diabetic situation. The Topamax doesn’t get rid of my migraines but it makes it possible for them to go away faster when I wake up after heavy sedation or long periods of being on painkillers. I’m hoping that this will last and even improve and that my disability gets approved despite all odds so that I can really focus on treatment.
It's not so much about the people who were wishing me well while I was in the hospital but rather the ones who said nothing, offered no words, no address, no phone number, no friendship, not even to a dying man would they give water
You would think that I'd be happy to have percocet now to help with my worst migraines, but when your neurologist cringes as she tells you about it, you realize having them means you're a near hopeless cause
“A world without prejudice, stigma, and discrimination against those who have or who are thought to have mental illness would be a better world for everyone. What so-called normal people are doing when they define disease like manic depression or schizophrenia is reassuring themselves that they don’t have a thought disorder or affective disorder, that their thoughts and feelings make perfect sense.”—Mark Vonnegut, Just Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So (via distantheartbeats)